It must have been around the end of middle school, maybe even the beginning part of freshmen year; probably around 1992. Sightings was a new show on Fox and it was all about the awe and wonderment of grey aliens as a phenomena. Not so for myself. The whole notion of an advanced race of beings with cooler rides than we have readily available to us, meandering about the cosmos with nothing better to do than stick alloys in to our collective rectums did not seem “fascinating” to me. It actually instilled a great sense of fear in me. There were many sleepless nights that I spent in my room wondering if the lights that spotted my ceiling were in fact headlights of passing cars or were the imminent end of my anal virginity. It got so spooky at times that I actually thought I was experiencing bouts of “lost time,” the inexplicable experience of not knowing what happened for a specific amount of time. If you were to tell me that it might have been associated with the past time I enjoyed of my own form of “botany,” I would probably have told you to fuck off. Looking back on it, was this a fear that I should have obsessed over? Probably not. It wasn’t very rational to fear a bunch of perverted spacemen with uber technology who were short in stature and had mega minds to wreak unnatural havoc on unsuspecting individuals. In retrospect, I should have taken a moment and analyzed that fear because eventually I would have come to the realization that said perverted spacemen are very similar to Japanese men. Very similar.

This brief interlude in the life of the Dahli Rama was brought in part to help those of you out there facing challenges that seem disproportionate to the actions in your life to illustrate that most of our fears, while real and in your face as they may seem at the time, can usually be disposed of with the simplicity of action and rationality. Regardless of the circumstances and intricacies that problems present in our lives, it is an unfortunate fact that they are all part of life. As cliche’ as it may sound, fear alleviates nothing. The initiation brought about by positive thoughts and taking action brings about a resolution, positive or negative, so that life may commence. That is all for today, from your alien fearing Dahli Rama.

Something I got from a friend.
Subject: Ad on craigslist and the reply

What am I doing wrong?

Okay, I’m tired of beating around the bush. I’m a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I’m articulate and classy. I’m not from New York. I’m looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don’t think I’m overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 -250. But that’s where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won’t get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she’s not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:
-Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms
-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won’t hurt my feelings
-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I’m 25)?
- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the Upper East Side so plain? I’ve seen really ‘plain jane’ boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I’ve seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What’s the story there?
- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows – lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?
- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY

Please hold your insults – I’m putting myself out there in an honest way.  Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I’m being up front about it.  I wouldn’t be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn’t able to match them – in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.

it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 432279810

THE ANSWER
Dear Pers-431649184:

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament. Firstly, I’m not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here’s how I see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Here’s why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here’s the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity…in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won’t be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you’re 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy  and hold…hence the rub…marriage. It doesn’t make good business sense to ”buy you” (which is what you’re asking) so I’d rather lease. In case you think I’m being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It’s as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as “articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful” as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn’t  found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn’t need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you’re going about it the right way. Classic “pump and dump.”
I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.

The Buzzcocks are one of the greatest punk bands of all time.  That is a universally-accepted truth.  See them live to find out why.
- Thursday @ The Mohawk, Austin

Cracker may be slightly more commercial than its immediate predecessor Camper Van Beethoven but it doesn’t feel as smarmy and insider-jokey and can flat out rock.  That they are opening for The Reverend Horton Heat on this tour is just icing on the cake.
- Thursday @ Stubbs, Austin

Folks who know me know that I am a huge fan of instrumental post-rock.  One of the best bands these days cooking from that recipe is Mono.
- Thursday @ Rudyards, Houston

GBH = hardcore punk.  Hulk smash punk rock.
- Thursday @ Warehouse Live, Houston & Saturday @ Emos, Austin

Austin’s The Great Nostalgic makes pretty, melodic and melodramatic indie pop with winsome girl/boy vocals.  Wish they were better at writing choruses, but that’s pretty much how modern indie rock bands roll these days.  Mood over hook.
- Thursday @ The Stafford, Bryan w/Subrosa opening.

I cannot believe that over 30 years later Iron Maiden is still cranking it out and continuing to blow minds with their trademark strident prog-esque heavy metal.  Many imitate, but these guys are pioneers that continue to stun today.
- Friday @ Cynthia Woods Mitchell Pavilion, Houston w/awesome modern prog-metalists Dream Theater opening.  What a one-two punch!

Imagine classic rock through the modern through the modern indie rock filter and you’ve got Austin’s Bright Light Social Hour.  I mean, both crowds already got the crazy Al diMeola beards in common, right?
- Friday @ Revolution Cafe & Bar, Bryan w/Austin fashion plates Wine & Revolution opening.

C’mon shorty, party like it’s 2005 with 50 Cent.
- Saturday @ Arena Theater, Houston

Who’d go spend two hours with The Village People live?  They only got two songs, right?  So?  I bet this one would be really fun, if only to do the YMCA dance without about 20,000 other people.
- Saturday @ Sam Houston Raceway Park, Houston

Get some more of that sound over substance indie rock business from Austin’s Foe Destroyer (formerly known as Oso Closo).
- Saturday @ Revolution Cafe & Bar, Bryan

How do you pick just one band to single out for Married To Mayhem ?  I mean, there’s a dozen good punk rock bands beating the daylights out of the rock at The Stafford in Bryan Saturday night in celebration of the nuptials of Gene and Kristen.  Y’all all know Gene, right?  Drummer/guitarist/Irishman (well, Irish-descended).  Getting hitched.  In The Stafford.  Officiated by Wonko The Sane?  And punk rock action from The Flak Jackets, Stay In Touch, The Beasts, Kill The State and The Hangouts. If you are into punk rock then this is indeed THE show of the year for you.

Erykah Badu started innocent enough in the mid ’90s on the smooth neo-soul new jack hip-hop tip and then went pretty much over the edge into her own steez, turning the genre inside out, innovating and setting herself up as one of the new millennium’s most interesting soul artists.
- Sunday @ Verizon Wireless Theater, Houston

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For the rest of my life I will associate Lynyrd Skynyrd with my former Korean immigrant neighbor in Seattle, Arnell.  I will never forget the sound of his lovely voice singing “That Smell” while mowing the lawn in summertime.  “Ooh dat smale!”  Such a beautiful melody.
- Sunday @ Cynthia Woods Mitchell Pavilion, Houston w/Southern rock survivors .38 Special and hairspray metal progenitor turned reality show pretender Bret Michaels opening.

Get a full dose of modern blast-beat drop D brocore at The Stafford in Bryan Sunday with AM Feelgood, High Five Jersey, Heaven Declares War, Zero & Falling, Surrounded By Monsters, Somewhere In September, Falsetta Metal, Love Loud and Fit For rivals.

I worship Lou Barlow.  I think it’s pretty fair to say that I would have his babies if he and I weren’t having babies with other people.  Dinosaur Jr., Sebadoh, Sentridoh, Folk Implosion…man, those bands mean so much to me.
- Monday @ The Mohawk, Austin

People talk so much about the birth of alt-country and how it came fully-formed from the two-headed splitting Zeus of Tweedy & Farrar, but I think folks tend to forget the true alt-country forefathers, Canada’s Cowboy Junkies.  I’ve never liked anything they’ve done as much as their debut album (it was much more hoodoo than the more country approach they became famous for) but Margo Timmins has one of the sexiest voices in modern music.
- Tuesday @ House of Blues, Houston

Louisiana’s Villain For a Moment comes to The Stafford in Bryan Wednesday night with their radio-friendly modern rock.  Imagine Evanescence if you stripped the interesting parts (the gothic creepiness) and voila!  We Are The New Year opens.

Drake is kinda the hot new thing in hip-hop.  Yawn.  I feel old listening to modern commercial hip-hop.  I remember when it was so much fresher.
- Thursday @ Verizon Wireless Theater, Houston & Friday @ Stubbs, Austin

Get in some Thursday night headbanging with Sammus Theory and Predominant Mortification at The Stafford in Bryan.

L.A.’s Steel Panther makes a punchline out of ’80s lipstick glam metal.  Part Poison, part Spinal Tap, completely fun.
- Friday @ House of Blues, Houston

In my previous life I was an FM radio music programmer.  Easily the biggest egomaniacal douchebag I have ever met (besides my program directors) was Pat, the lead singer for Train.  Then again, I had also met this dude before they blew up about 13 years ago at an in-store at the record store I worked at in the afternoons and he was a prick then too.  Now, many years later, Train seems to have a second wind.  Wonder if he’s as big a jerk now as he was then.  Maybe 7 or 8 years of nowheresville has put that shit in check
– Friday @ Verizon Wireless Theater, Houston w/former Aggie Jason Castro opening

Friday night and all day Saturday at Revolution & The Stafford in downtown Bryan.  One $5 wristband gets you in both venues both days/nights.  Metal, punk, indie rock, DIY synth, alternative hip-hop, etc.
http://www.bcsloudfest.com

Looks like Of Montreal retired the white horses and funny stagecraft to focus on the music this tour.  Can they entertain you with that all that mumbo-pocus?
- Sunday @ The Mohawk, Austi

I love me some Cypress Hill.  They are still one of the few hip-hop artists that I’ve ever seen live that actually entertained me and brought something different than just beats from their records.  Sure, their best work is almost 20 years behind them now but their first two albums are classics.
- Thursday @ Stubbs, Austin

More fingertapping proto-emo madness from Seattle’s Minus the Bear as they continue to tour 15 years into their history.
- Friday @ House of Blues, Houston

There’s a full night of metal mayhem at The Stafford in Bryan Friday night with Witness To the Fallen, Sever the Silence, A Tragedy Lost, Zero & Falling, Culture In Ruin and Convicted of Treason.

The first B-52′s album is still one of my favorite post-punk jams of all time.  30+ years later they can still get loose and turn a party out.
- Saturday @ La Zona Rosa, Austin

Alan Wilder and Paul Kendall have rekindled their Coil project as Recoil and are touring again, although U.S. dates are rare as hen’s teeth.
- Saturday @ Elysium, Austin

Digable Planets have reunited for a 15 year celebration of their debut album’s release.  Touring with a live band and all three MC’s and refreshing jams like this from their seminal second album, Blowout Comb, probably my favorite hip-hop album of the ’90s.
- Saturday @ Numbers, Houston

At about the same time R.E.M. broke big across the landscape with “Losing My Religion” Santa Barbara’s Toad the Wet Sprocket took their chimey college rock to the bank with big hits like “All I Want” and “Walk On the Ocean”. Then one more later…they disappear entirely. Even though the band officially broke up over ten years ago they are back out on tour.
- Saturday @ House of Blues, Houston & Sunday @ Antones, Austin

Hey you, your 1979 self is calling you and wants to entice you out of town Saturday night.  And how it will accomplish this?  By offering Styx, Foreigner and Kansas in concert.  Sure, there aren’t enough original members in any of these bands to comprise a full band out of, but still hey!  Domo wory-gato, dude.  And bring plenty of lighters.
- Saturday @ Cynthia Woods Mitchell Pavilion, Houston

Some would say Pearl Jam or maybe Stone Temple Pilots were the first of the grunge era bandwagon hopping interlopers.  I’d say Tacoma’s Candlebox was the first of the soulless metal bands that jumped the train in the early ’90s (another really bad one was My Sister’s Machine but we’ll not discuss that one).  15 years or more later and Candlebox is still at it.  I wonder if Dave Krusen’s still kicking himself for quitting Pearl Jam to start Candlebox…
- Saturday @ Scout Bar, Clear Lake

It’s not a concert or anything but the 979Represent and Sinkhole Texas Inc. crew are hosting their first annual Dirtbag Dash 5k Saturday @ Stover Boys Burgers in Bryan on Wellborn Rd.  10AM start.  No fees.

The good reverend Al Green will be spreading the message of love, joy and soul on the road this spring, and makes a stop in Houston.”
- Sunday @ Arena Theater, Houston

From the ashes of The Texas Drag Queens arises Signal Rising.  If you saw the last couple of Drag Queens shows you’d know that the band got darker and heavier.  Signal Rising continues on the path.  See them live Sunday night at The Stafford with Curbcheck opening.

Get some live indie rock courtesy of Five Years & Counting and Underground Cities at The Stafford in Bryan Monday night.

right now I think no one is doing the hip-shaking ’70s hard rock any better than Brooklyn’s Earl Greyhound.  They have a new album out and are out on the road supporting OK Go in concert.  Go early, jam to the EG and then leave, otherwise you’ll learn quickly how boring OK Go is without the cool videos.
- Wednesday @ The Parish, Austin